One of the most uncomfortable aspects of a grieving widow or widower, is the immediate end to our sexual intimacy, aka “sex life”. As if it wasn’t hard enough to lose our companionship, friendship, and partnership we also have to live with losing sexual intimacy with the one we love. The cravings and the urges are real, can be intense and can cause deep waves of grief as we become aware of a whole new way to miss our loved ones.
If you led a very active sex life, to be suddenly without one due to death ….is not fun, to put it mildly. This is one thing that, at least in my personal experiences of both, often separates divorces or break ups from death. People break up, they go on the rebound, sometimes quickly find a new lover, get their urges met, sometimes out of revenge, and move on (granted this might not always be the case). When grieving the death of a husband or wife however, rebounding can look very different. Out of all the widows and widowers I have communicated with, intimacy with a new person is met with many completely new challenges.
There are those who are not yet ready to experience the touch of a new person or starting a new relationship but find themselves craving intimacy, and dare I say vibrators or the like are not appealing or they ain’t doing it. And while searching for answers only to constantly read “I know what you’re going through and you’re not alone, it’s hard, give it time…”. Don’t get me wrong. It is absolutely 1000% beneficial to know you’re not alone because it makes you feel less crazy and connected. However, I have noticed that simply knowing I wasn’t alone still left me wanting…so its probably safe to say it’s left you wanting also. I realized there is a need to look at sexual urges through a different type of lens. There is a huge aspect of sexuality that many grieving people overlook, forget, or don’t entirely comprehend, namely, the intricacies of the energy that is associated with sex.
Simply put, sexual energy, in every describable way, is CREATIVE energy. There is a ton of info on sexual energy but what I found is its mostly geared towards men channeling their sexual energy in a way that enhances their sexual experience, think tantric sex. Obviously, that’s NOT our goal as a widow or widower. The book “Think and Grow Rich” written by Napoleon Hill famously suggested abstinence as a way to save and channel sexual energy for creative endeavors known as sexual transmutation. It is an interesting read, I struggled with it a bit because it is definitely not written for the grieving heart, or…women for that matter, but it has thought provoking info on the matter.
Sexual desire is a build-up of creative energy. When we really want sex, that’s basically our creative energy looking for a very carnal release. Should one release that energy through sexual means, hopefully while satisfied, into the universe resulting in the creation of life, you would have the completely fulfilled intent of said energy.
So, when you are missing intimacy but don’t have your loved one and self-stimulation is not filling the void, let’s ponder. Are there ways we can release this creative energy into the universe without having sex? Is this an energy we can mentally and physically channel into our life in a productive way? Is sexual creative energy the same energy we use to create in all areas of our life, while simultaneously releasing pent up sexual frustration in a satisfying way? YUP. But it takes some effort on our part.
I’ll start with the obvious- exercise. This is a physical release that has a whole host of chemical effects on the body. When in the throes of an immense sexual urge, you could literally go for a thirty-minute run and you would feel soooo much better. That runners high can last all day! Not only are you actually expending literal energy but you are releasing endorphins, increasing blood flow, helping nutrients and oxygen be appropriately utilized by the body. This results in improved physical health and most importantly improved emotional health. Exercising while grieving is insanely beneficial. For more information or convincing on the matter, I highly recommend reading the book “Healthy Healing: A Guide to Working Out Grief Using the Power of Exercise and Endorphins” written by Michelle Steinke-Baumgard.
Next let’s talk about all those creative activities. When engaging in creative activities you literally turn a desire or idea into an action that results in giving birth to that idea through whichever expression you chose. The really awesome thing about engaging in creative endeavors is they have two benefits. Not only do they help channel pent up sexual energy, they are also immensely, emotionally therapeutic, particularly while grieving. I know that some people avoid expressing their creativity while grieving for different reasons, the biggie being fear of spawning a grief wave, so try to be open minded. If lack of sex is an issue for you and you’re open to explore solutions- painting, writing, music, singing, dancing, crafting, building, gardening, household projects and the like, are a direct and productive use of sexual and creative energy. There are literally hundreds of avenues to take in the world of creativity and they can lead you away from intense sexual frustration towards beautiful experiences and places.
Here are a couple questions to help you get started:
Is there a talent you’ve neglected?
Is there something you used to love doing but have forgotten about?
Is there an interest you’ve never explored and have secretly wanted to?
Is there something you’ve always wanted do or a hobby you’ve always wanted to try?
What role does creativity play in your life?
If you could do something creative today- what would it be?
Even just mulling over your interests channels sexual energy into new places within you because all creativity starts with a stir inside- just like sexual desire. I invite you to explore all these ideas I touched on and maybe even journal the proposed questions. If you are met with any inner resistance- you can go back to the original reason you decided to read this blog. Pent up sexual frustration. I’m over it. What can I do about it? Lots of things. Re-read and let the possibilities sink in. At the very least let this be an opening to a new way of seeing sexual energy and continue researching. There is a ton of information and a lot of it is quite mind blowing. Its not just about sex. We have permission to let go of the idea that our only solution is a one-night stand, self-stimulation, a new relationship we aren’t ready for, or trying to ignore it and get over it. It’s all perception. We have more control than we give ourselves credit, there are options and choices to explore. Even just connecting the dots leads to understanding how sexual and creative energy influences who we are in life and in this world. That alone can open you up to your soul and your spirituality. At least it did for me- hello life changing! But I won’t go down that rabbit hole, I’ll save that for another day.