When my husband died, I could NOT believe how disconnected I was from reality. The inability to think clearly or make well thought out decisions, or just disconnect completely not able to have articulate conversations or answer questions. When someone would ask me questions sometimes, I could only shake my head and gesture to indicate I wasn’t thinking today- not answering questions right now. The day he died I remember the police department asking to me to make all sorts of decisions (some that had financial ramifications) in a moment’s notice while there was loud ringing in my ears and I couldn’t even see straight, that was the moment it felt like I had incurred brain damage.
As the days turned into weeks, the ability to concentrate would fluctuate with or without a grief wave. I remember trying to complete a project for a class only to not do it because I couldn’t make heads or tails of what I was doing. Reading anything took three times as long because I had to re-read words over and over for an understanding to occur. The unusual and unnerving aspect of it all was some weeks I was fine, then WHAM, “What am I doing again? Why did I walk in here?” “Wait, what did you say?”. How many times did I misplace items? Daily. I misplaced my car keys for an entire MONTH. I was left with no choice but to call a locksmith to unlock my car and make me a new key- in my driveway no less.
Yes! the keys were somewhere in my house and I just couldn’t seem to find them. When I had managed to find the keys, I had remembered the day I lost them, what I was doing and why they ended up in the location they were found- a month and $300 later. I remember being so pissed at this thing called “widow fog” that I embarked on a mission to understand what the hell was going on and whether or not it was something I could get an upper hand on. Turns out, there is a whole lotta science behind the term widow fog, neuroscience to be exact.
The brain is a beautiful and complicated little creature. It has functions that stem beyond consciousness and can control how we react to situations without us even knowing it or understanding it. Sometimes what our heart and soul want, the brain tries to problem solve in ways that are great at the moment but can have negative lasting impacts on our lives. Before we get into the topic of a brain on grief, it is necessary to briefly shed some light on the topic of neuroscience.
There are two locations in the brain with very specific separate functions that play the key roles and are greatly impacted when we experience a traumatic (life altering in a bad way) event. The amygdalae and the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is located in the front area of the frontal lobe extending to the forehead. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for what is known as executive functions. All things pertaining to personality expression, planning, decision making, future consequences of current situations, differentiating between good and bad, and so much more, are orchestrated by the prefrontal cortex.
The amygdalae are two almond-sized clusters of matter located in both hemispheres of the brain. For being so small, they have quite an impact on how we function in the world. It is the emotional processing center. Specifically, the amygdala is responsible for actively being on alert to the outside world, then producing an emotional response to any received sensory information caused by said outside stimuli, whether good or bad. It stores learned information and makes associations between events and their respective emotional responses. The amygdala is most commonly known for the fight or flight response.
When the fight or flight response is activated, the prefrontal cortex takes a step back and allows the amygdalae to run the entire show. When the prefrontal cortex takes a step back, all those functions it is responsible for- planning, clear and thought out decision making, preparing for future consequences of decisions, personality expression are all greatly diminished. There is science that shows it actually quite simply shuts down (scholarly articles from ncbi.gov at end of blog). This makes total sense when you are placed in a life and death situation. The amygdalae’s job is to keep us alive- it produces all the chemicals necessary to remove us from a threat such as adrenaline and cortisol. According to the amygdala, it doesn’t have time to plan an exit, it just gets us out. For a visual, check out this graphic of a brain on stress:
Now, here’s where it gets interesting and dare, I say, tricky. When an individual experiences life-altering trauma, the amygdala is activated creating the fight or flight response in order for the individual to be able to survive. The fight or flight response technically is supposed to only last until an immediate threat has abated, just enough time to get us out and keep us alive. With the loss of a loved one, however, the threat has actually occurred and CONTINUES to occur, as our loved one will never be returning. The individual experiencing the event is sustained by constant stimulation of the amygdala (and constant diminishment of the prefrontal cortex) which can unintentionally carve neurological pathways that support a fear state and a grief state.
All of this explains the creation of the waiting room as well. With the worst possible scenario occurring daily, the brain has to compensate by creating a mental space to allow the body to function as normally as possible. It’s the place we mentally and physically go to avoid anything fearful and wait out the pain. Sometimes in this space, we don’t fully engage with life as we avoid anything that we (the amygdala) perceive as a threat or a trigger- like doing the laundry, meeting with friends, dating, activities we used to love but only did with our lost loved one…OR we overindulge in these things to not let our mind wander to unfriendly places. Sometimes the bereaved can hang out in the waiting room for years, decades even.
The good news is, thanks to the Hebbian Theory (cells that fire together, wire together) concluded that actually, the brain never loses the ability to re-route and restructure itself. In the beginning, during the raw grief state, the only option is to do what you have to, to get through it. But after the raw emotions have subdued, that best way to combat the amygdala and its control over us is to engage in seemingly slightly threatening activities that actually spring forth JOY.
Remember the amygdala creates emotional responses to outside stimuli- and it stores that information for future use. Unfortunately, in the beginning of healing after a life-altering traumatic event- everything is a threat. The only way to undo its hold on us is to prove it wrong. This means, engaging in an activity we’ve been avoiding so that activity is no longer associated as a threat. Once the fear pathway is proven wrong- we then prove the amygdala wrong telling it to calm the eff down. With the amygdala calmed down and irrational fear pathways proved obsolete while simultaneously creating new pathways that support joy, we bestow more power back to the prefrontal cortex- hello clarity, where have you been?!!
I know taking back power from the amygdala means facing fears. And that is way easier said than done. But dude, it works, it’s liberating and it feels amazing. The first place to start is becoming aware of where you’re at and whether or not you’re ok with it. If you’re feeling like something is off and you want to do something about it. I invite you to explore your waiting room, what your life looks like right now, where you feel blocked and what you’ve been avoiding. That will show you physically and emotionally where the amygdala has control.
If you’re feeling bold, take on something you’ve been avoiding that excites/scares you or something you just know you need to do. Then see how you feel, and go from there. In life reentry, we call these little actions plug-ins, because they quite literally plug you back into life. With every plug-in a person takes they reclaim more and more emotional control, triggers occur less and less and clarity sticks around.
So, there you have it. Overstimulation of the amygdala and diminished function of the prefrontal cortex. Totally important parts of the brain, also totally responsible for why widows and widowers feel crazy all the time.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4774859/figure/F1/?report=objectonly
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2907136/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/