When I lost my husband, who was my best friend, father to my 3 very young boys, and the one I couldn’t live without, I soon recognized that it wasn’t just the loss of my companion that shattered the ground beneath me, but the fact that this loss altered the course of my life. This sudden evaporation of one’s life direction creates what is known as duality. Who I was before my loss, who I am now knee deep in the depths of uncertainty and pain, and who I have yet to become, somewhere down this unknown path.When we lose the person closest to us, our identity can become clouded by the pain of our loss. This is in part is due to the fact that our BIG loss, comes with a million little losses that completely changes the fabric of our life. The Life Reentry community refers to these particular losses as invisible losses. Losses that deeply affect our lives but the rest of the world doesn’t see, understand, or know exists. It’s all the little losses coupled with the big one that leaves us not knowing who we are in this world anymore. This state of mind can be excruciating and exhausting to reckon with. So exhausting in fact, that we as survivors chose to sometimes ignore it, in order to survive.
There comes a point during the grieving process in which we start to finally realize we don’t actually know who we are anymore. That actual realization can be just as crippling and can create waves of grief as you try to remember the last time you felt like yourself. It’s usually associated with the last time your loved one was alive. But here is a hard truth, as much as we’d like to deny it our identity does not depend on anyone but ourselves being alive, here and now. You are you, you didn’t go anywhere, you’ve just been forced to change the routines and person to person connections you’ve been comfortable with and reliant on, all at once. If you are in the grips of fresh mourning, this blog is not for you. Not yet. But if you are at a place where you are wondering who you are, I invite you to ponder the idea that it is possible to regain a sense of identity through the act of self-exploration.
I’m going to give you a small opportunity to explore various parts of you, to examine, re-define, and reclaim a part of your identity. Maybe even create a new one based on the tidbits you discover. Maybe you no longer like doing what you used to do, eating what you used to eat, wearing what you used to wear, or any number of things.
With a bit of self-exploration, you can very gently get back on some solid ground, on your own terms. One thing I need to note is this is all about who YOU are, separate from your loss.
OK get your journal out, I’m going to list 10 questions to ponder and journal, to get your inner self stirred to remember and realize who you are.
Here it goes:
Briefly go back in time and reflect on the best parts of your childhood, with friends, family, your favorite things to do, eat, play. What is your favorite childhood memory and what made it so special. Describe who you were growing up.
Who are two people who have made a positive impact on your life and helped you? What do you love about those people?
Who are two people who you know look up to you? Describe why they admire you
What are somethings you are ridiculously good at?
What are some things have you accomplished throughout your life, maybe even after your loss, that you are proud of?
TASK: Ask someone in your life to write you a letter about everything they love about you. This can seem strange and at face value “selfish” so go ahead and blame me. When you are having a bad moment or day where grief has you in its grips and you feel detached from yourself, you can refer to that letter and hold it closely to your heart, to be reminded of who you are AND that no matter what you are LOVED for who you are.
Now it’s your turn: What do you love about yourself, what are your good qualities and what do you admire about yourself?
Our values and beliefs can sometimes change after having experienced a loss, so it’s important to contextualize what beliefs and values we currently hold as important. What values and beliefs are important to you and why?
What are somethings that used to bring you joy, that no longer do? Are there specific reasons they no longer bring you joy?
What are all the things that bring you joy and light you up right now? How can you get them into your life on a daily basis, or at least weekly, even in tiny ways.
This is only an inkling of getting reacquainted with yourself and pales in comparison to what it’s like working with me, but I believe it is important that you have meaningful tools you can utilize, right this second. These are very simple ideas, but they are ideas attached to powerful emotions about oneself that if pondered openly and honestly, can highlight and reconnect you with parts of yourself may have lost or forgotten.
Happy Journaling!