Seeking and Accepting Love and Support during the Grieving Process
It goes without saying that love and support are absolutely vital to assist you through the grieving process. But what about actually accepting it. What about actually seeking WHAT you need, WHEN you actually need it, not just when people voluntarily offer it. In the weeks after a loved one passes, loved one's, family, friends, acquaintances will come out in droves to offer love and support. You may not even know what you need. For me it was hard being alone, BUT at the same time I had people hovering over me and that wasn’t helpful. I figured out early on that I needed alone time to process my emotions AND I also needed loved ones to talk to. You’re loved ones are desperate to help you. But you really have to be clear about what is helpful and what is not. These needs will be different for everyone but its is so important to not be shy. Be open and be honest with yourself and those you need to help you or those who wish to help you.
Here’s the catch 22. The grieving process can leave you confused. You know you need something but you don’t know what it is. This is when it is important to sit down with yourself and dissect your emotions in any given situation. The key is to listen to what you’re feeling and why you are feeling it. The grieving process can cause certain things in your life to sit on the back burner. When you look around your house and you’re feeling uneasy...you realize it’s messy but you don’t want to clean it….that is a really easy thing to ask for from loved ones. You look in your fridge and there is no food but you’re not in the mood to go grocery shopping. Laundry is a big one that tends to end up on the back burner. Don’t be scared to ask for help! (I will say that as time goes by you should be able to finally get to these particular items on your own, if not look to hiring outside services.
Having company and family around is nice but I realized no one was giving me any alone time because everyone was so worried I would lose it. I was in a state of constant distraction which was inhibiting healthy grieving. This is an important piece of advice. Don’t be afraid to grieve. Don’t be afraid of the lows. The lows can be terrifying, but crying releases endorphins which aid in the healing process, so it’s important to not inhibit them. When one inhibits tears of sadness itching to escape, you prolong the grieving process. Inhibiting these emotions can cause the manifestation of other problems later down the line. I learned I really needed alone time to let the tears flow without inhibition or worry of making others uncomfortable and to allow the negative thoughts to come- and most importantly, to go just as easily. BUT….that didn’t mean I wanted to be alone ALL THE TIME. In other words, communication is key when actually getting what you need. When you need alone time, ask for it. You'll notice when you need alone time when you start to feel withdrawn or irritated. You’ll know you need company when you feel yourself being drawn towards wanting loved ones in your space.
Its also important to recognize whether or not you are being drawn to having others in your space in order to avoid or inhibit the negative emotions that come with grieving. I can’t stress enough the importance of allowing yourself space to feel those unwanted feelings. The key is to understand specifically where they are coming from, why you are feeling them and whether or not they serve you and your needs. Are they rational feelings or thoughts, and are they normal for the grieving process. For instance...are you feeling suicidal? This thought or feeling would not serve you so I would urge you to seek professional help. This process is really the process of learning about yourself on the deepest levels.
A tool I use to help my clients gently get into touch with what they need and why they need it is with the exercise the grief cleanse. It's a powerful exercise that is similar to journaling. If you are taking on this process alone, I highly recommend journaling. It can be scary at first but it is extremely therapeutic. Below are a couple thought stimulating questions to start the process
- What are some ways in which you need help ie: laundry, cleaning, transporting kids too and from school; grocery shopping, providing a meal or two a week, or just someone to openly talk to?
- Who are some people in your life you feel comfortable asking or talking to?